confession: the present

so much i happening.
and i find that i am planning for the future and "trying to get things ready".

i do this all the time.

avoid the present to live in the future:
"it is all going to work out."

i am grasping for what we will become. 
to the moment when i'll fall asleep listening to the rhythm of his breath.

i'm clinging to the past with white-knuckled-locked-tighter-than-tight-fists.
to the memory of seeing his eyes sparkle when he laughs.

i kid myself into believing that these ways of thinking make these moments
- this moment -
that we are apart... easier?

and yet, i know i am causing myself suffering.

not because i am missing him so desperately.
but because i'm robbing myself of this.moment.

and that is all i have. 
it is all any of us has.

i'm working on it, yeah?

xo

“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."

p.s.  still working toward getting my prereqs inline for the college deal.  ;)