"writing a BLOG"

don't push the river, it flows by itself.
- polish proverb



maybe it's just me, but i don't consider myself a "blogger".

i mean, i get that this is a web log.  clearly.  the host name alone won't let me forget it, eh?  but it's just funny/weird when i hear friends say "...on my/your blog". 

but at the same time, i often feel the urge to edit what i say or how i say it - simply because my words are being placed out there.  somewhere.

and then i try to remember that this is just a place for me to think out loud.  try to figure somethings out.  just a place for me to record a thought or two...  i've always been somewhat of a journal-er.  it's only ever been sporadic, just like my posting here.  i used to give myself a really hard time about it, and sometimes still do - whether it be about this place or even just my little 5-year diary.  "it's been 2 weeks since i wrote in my diary, i MUST be better about it".  but i think that for it to really be meaningful, it should be organic.  and just as in life, the thoughts and words come in spurts... an ebb and flow...  at times there seems to be so much to say, so many thoughts to think, so many quotes and moments to ponder, circumstances to digest...  and other times, there is only quiet.

the calm can be just as swollen with growth as the storm, if you listen.

i occasionally go back and read through old journals.  old web logs, too.  it's funny and silly to see my words as if for the first time.  it makes me wonder...

how i'll receive this post when i reread years from now.

and so, i am looking for my voice.  the real sounds of the thoughts that move through my skull.  i long to put all of that down somewhere - tangible.  to be revisited.  relived. 

it requires a new level of honesty.  a theme that is continually circling in my thoughts.  i feel like yoga is redefining what honesty means to me - beginning to show me things of myself that i haven't yet - seen?  acknowledged?  realized?  not sure what the right word would be here... 

i don't necessarily feel like i'm a LIAR.  i just want to be the most authentic i can be - in every possible moment.  to be present, transparent.

and yet mindful.

seems like such a contradiction sometimes, but i'd like to learn how to be so mindful that the authenticity is inevitable.

so, future ret (futuret - ha), when you read this, know that there will be times when i make a statement or express an idea that is in direct conflict with another thought i've uttered.  but it's all in an effort to grow.  a process i'm coming to see isn't linear.  not at all.  and so why should i experience this life as such?  i'm just going to go with it.  (well, i'll try to, anyway.)