choices

Eleanor Roosevelt In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. Henry Rollins Life is full of choices, if you have the guts to go for it. That's why I get immediately bored with anyone's complaining about how boring their life is, or how bad their town is. Fucking leave and go somewhere else. Or don't. Indian Proverb Life is not a continuum of pleasant choices, but of inevitable problems that call for strength, determination, and hard work. I’m finding lately that I don’t have the words I need. So, today I’ve turned to some quotes that have me thinking. Particularly the three mentioned here… I have been thinking a lot about choices. Little ones, big ones. Ones that seem big but aren’t and vice versa. And who’s is really accountable for choices. I’ve made some terrible decisions in my life – opportunities missed, prices paid, regret noted. Time and again. I’ve also made some difficult and wonderful selections. Most of the time I credit these decisions to God’s Grace. I’m so thankful for the blessings I’ve been bestowed and the hardships I’ve knuckled through and the inseparability of these. My instinct is to apologize for portraying these deliberations in a melancholy light, but that’s where I find myself today. Not every day, certainly. But today – upon reflecting, I feel so many things. So many bittersweet musings are pulling themselves to the forefront of my brain. Particularly the questions to which I know but do not approve of the answer – FOR WHOM am I making all of these choices? How do I stop trying to please everyone and focus on myself? I don’t even know what I’d want! I’ve certainly given a million reasons I am doing this or that for whomever… and if I figure out what I want, how do I reposition myself so that I’m affording myself the privilege of both knowing and searching for such without stepping on toes? How do I make a change of this nature and maintain some semblance of the previous ME (whoever that is.)? What if I move one domino and they all come crashing down? As the HOT (albeit ANGRY) Henry Rollins suggests, perhaps I should quit the complaining as if there were nothing I could do. (I don’t necessarily mean leaving town, although I’ve been threatening such forever.) While we’ve all been dealt a hand, isn’t it really HOW YOU PLAY that determines the outcome? Today I find myself wondering how I played. I can’t even say how, much less determine the validity of my choices – and if I can’t do that, how will I ever find the gumption to “to go for it”? Pat and I were talking about Life the other day, as we find ourselves doing more times that not. Our conversations nearly always find their way toward the meaning of existence. She’s much more grounded in her faith than I am these days. It seems that with every moment of clarity or wonderment, follows weeks of questioning and discontentedness. One thing I’ll always remember – since I was a very young child she’s always tried to prepare me for the injustice of life. I’ve never caught on to this concept – that life in itself is not fair. (I like to believe this indicates there’s some part of the Dreamer left in me. A belief that in itself is sometimes the glimmer of hope that the real me is still alive somewhere inside these walls – that my struggles haven’t taken away all the fairy dust.) But fairness isn’t what I seek (though I am working on my acceptance of its reality) – no, I seek understanding and knowledge (among many other things). I’d like to comprehend my choices – the who, what, when, where, why & how of them. Pat tells me that Life is HARD. And it is. I keep waiting for the load to lighten, for things to “work out”. But this is it. This is life. It’s hard and beautiful and confusing and enlightening and ever-changing. Because of choices, yours, mine and theirs. It’s not a “continuum of PLEASANT choices” by any means, but for as long as I’m afforded the opportunity, I’ll continue to work hard, struggle, experience, digest, etc. I really thought getting these thoughts, questions and concerns out of my brain would offer some relief if not lucidity, but my heart and soul are still churning. More questions than answers… I suppose that means there’s more to come… I certainly hope so.

Photo [here]

day one

today's my first day going back to college!!

and i'm a scared little bunny, but i'm NOT going to let my anxiety get the best of me on this one...

especially since i had a lovely long weekend.

i finally got around to doing some things on my list:

after THREE trips to various jacksonville public libraries, i finally found and began reading

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

and Emma by Jane Austen

i also got back on the knitting. there are many, many works that have been in progress for far too long. nevertheless, i knit a few stitches - it's just like riding a bike. :) and this time, i vow that i'll do it on my own timeline, with NO pressure from anyone. it's my time to relax, breathe and just be - no one's going to turn such a peaceful, restful thing into a deadline-driven, stress inducing headache again.

i saw a few movies with my Guy...

Sherlock Holmes, Avatar, It's Complicated (in theatres)

we also watched An Inconvenient Truth at home.

there was lots of eating take-out, lots of shopping for random whosits and whatnots, and some moonstone mala beads - to aid in much needed serenity, and went to church with the fam.

Guy checked a couple of things off of the honeydo list here at my apt (how lucky am i?)

including but not limited to some window treating, pics soon...

oh, and there was also come good ole fashioned home cookin'!

i attempted to make a little of this and a little of that.

it was SO MUCH fun!

le sigh... today it's back to work & restarting school...

let the adventure begin!!

[Photos located via Google Image Search]