lift the veil

that obscures

the heart

and there

you will find

what you are

looking for (kabir)

well, if that's what you're after

after an exhaustive and stress-filled week, having saturday morning to myself has been quite the recovery. i finally got around to practicing yoga this morning for the first time in a week (eek!). i have made myself feel so guilty about not taking time for myself to practice this week. and at the same time, i feel like i should give myself a break... it's been hard this week and i find myself wondering how much of it is directly a result of not making time for the yoga. i don't know. all i know is that i felt like i barely kept my head above water this week.

i want so badly to be 'at peace' and stronger/more graceful. but i have really not handled the last few years that way. i've held on to hurt and anger; i made an honest effort to build walls - many of them. i hid from growth and commitment. and i am in the place in my life that those choices have led me.

this week i had lunch with a friend that i love and adore and admire. i'm so grateful for the opportunity to let my guard down - to legitimately forget feeling the anxiety, though free to discuss that as well as anything else under the sun - no judgement. i feel so blessed to have the friends that i do. real, genuine people who are comfortable not only with themselves, but with the fumbling, discombobulated mess that i sometimes become. i treasure it, truly. i hope and pray that as i go to/through all the places life takes me, i am able to pay the same love and acceptance forward. ideally, i'd like to take my friends with me for the rest of my life - we'd share everything and continually develop these relationships.

these last 3 years (really, 8) have been a blur. people told me when i was 16 that i'd change more than i could imagine between 16 and 20. at 18 my grandmother told me that i wouldn't even recognize the 25 year old me. i think that when the news leaked of the failure of my first marriage, people stopped telling me to make sure that life wouldn't pass me by because my life was over. or so i believed. and they were right... i am not that same girl. in every way. my life was over. that old life, anyway. i have a new life now. and while i wish i were better at maintaining friendships, that girl, the old me, wasn't either. there were many people that i truly adored and do to this day. but i haven't maintained those relationships. and some friendships, as much as i wanted them to last forever, just weren't meant to do so.

all of this makes me wonder... where will i be next year? where will i be in 3, 5, 10 years? i think that at this point, i'm just hopeful. i am so glad that there's a positivity to my outlook, as i have missed the positivity that i'd given up those dark years/months ago. while still a greyish hue, i feel as though the color palate i'm painting with has much lighter shades... [hopeful and contented sigh]

so, i hope these changes i'm making in my life - and the changes i really want to make - do not cause a divide between myself and the people i hold so dear to my heart. that being said, just like making time for myself (for yoga/prayer/pedicures/whatever), i need to and will continue to metamorphose. my primary focus needs to shift so that i can find some equilibrium in being better at sustaining/cultivating important relationships in my life and also giving myself the time and space necessary to facilitate my own growth.

so, take it or leave it: after my yoga practice today, i took a looong hot shower and settled in, clean and relaxed - turned on the radio and listened to "whad'ya know?"... anyway, somewhere in there a woman who's name i wrote down but cannot locate played her version of kate wolf's "give yourself to love". and it spoke to me. so, that is why i posted today, and here it is:

Kind friends all gathered 'round, there's something I would say:

That what brings us together here has blessed us all today.

Love has made a circle that holds us all inside.

Where strangers are as family, loneliness can't hide.

You must give yourself to love if love is what you're after;

Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter

And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.

I've walked these mountains in the rain and learned to love the wind;

I've been up before the sunrise to watch the day begin.

I've always knew I'd find you, though I never did know how;

Like sunshine on a cloudy day stand before me now.

So give yourself to love if love is what you're after;

Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter

And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.

Love is born in fire; it's planted like a seed.

Love can't give you everything, but it gives you what you need.

And love comes when you're ready, love comes when you're afraid;

It'll be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made.

So give yourself to love if love is what you're after;

Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter

And give yourself to love, give yourself to love.

Give yourself to love if love is what you're after;

Open up your hearts to the tears and laughter

And give yourself to love, give yourself to love

Photo found [here]

choices

Eleanor Roosevelt In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. Henry Rollins Life is full of choices, if you have the guts to go for it. That's why I get immediately bored with anyone's complaining about how boring their life is, or how bad their town is. Fucking leave and go somewhere else. Or don't. Indian Proverb Life is not a continuum of pleasant choices, but of inevitable problems that call for strength, determination, and hard work. I’m finding lately that I don’t have the words I need. So, today I’ve turned to some quotes that have me thinking. Particularly the three mentioned here… I have been thinking a lot about choices. Little ones, big ones. Ones that seem big but aren’t and vice versa. And who’s is really accountable for choices. I’ve made some terrible decisions in my life – opportunities missed, prices paid, regret noted. Time and again. I’ve also made some difficult and wonderful selections. Most of the time I credit these decisions to God’s Grace. I’m so thankful for the blessings I’ve been bestowed and the hardships I’ve knuckled through and the inseparability of these. My instinct is to apologize for portraying these deliberations in a melancholy light, but that’s where I find myself today. Not every day, certainly. But today – upon reflecting, I feel so many things. So many bittersweet musings are pulling themselves to the forefront of my brain. Particularly the questions to which I know but do not approve of the answer – FOR WHOM am I making all of these choices? How do I stop trying to please everyone and focus on myself? I don’t even know what I’d want! I’ve certainly given a million reasons I am doing this or that for whomever… and if I figure out what I want, how do I reposition myself so that I’m affording myself the privilege of both knowing and searching for such without stepping on toes? How do I make a change of this nature and maintain some semblance of the previous ME (whoever that is.)? What if I move one domino and they all come crashing down? As the HOT (albeit ANGRY) Henry Rollins suggests, perhaps I should quit the complaining as if there were nothing I could do. (I don’t necessarily mean leaving town, although I’ve been threatening such forever.) While we’ve all been dealt a hand, isn’t it really HOW YOU PLAY that determines the outcome? Today I find myself wondering how I played. I can’t even say how, much less determine the validity of my choices – and if I can’t do that, how will I ever find the gumption to “to go for it”? Pat and I were talking about Life the other day, as we find ourselves doing more times that not. Our conversations nearly always find their way toward the meaning of existence. She’s much more grounded in her faith than I am these days. It seems that with every moment of clarity or wonderment, follows weeks of questioning and discontentedness. One thing I’ll always remember – since I was a very young child she’s always tried to prepare me for the injustice of life. I’ve never caught on to this concept – that life in itself is not fair. (I like to believe this indicates there’s some part of the Dreamer left in me. A belief that in itself is sometimes the glimmer of hope that the real me is still alive somewhere inside these walls – that my struggles haven’t taken away all the fairy dust.) But fairness isn’t what I seek (though I am working on my acceptance of its reality) – no, I seek understanding and knowledge (among many other things). I’d like to comprehend my choices – the who, what, when, where, why & how of them. Pat tells me that Life is HARD. And it is. I keep waiting for the load to lighten, for things to “work out”. But this is it. This is life. It’s hard and beautiful and confusing and enlightening and ever-changing. Because of choices, yours, mine and theirs. It’s not a “continuum of PLEASANT choices” by any means, but for as long as I’m afforded the opportunity, I’ll continue to work hard, struggle, experience, digest, etc. I really thought getting these thoughts, questions and concerns out of my brain would offer some relief if not lucidity, but my heart and soul are still churning. More questions than answers… I suppose that means there’s more to come… I certainly hope so.

Photo [here]

day one

today's my first day going back to college!!

and i'm a scared little bunny, but i'm NOT going to let my anxiety get the best of me on this one...

especially since i had a lovely long weekend.

i finally got around to doing some things on my list:

after THREE trips to various jacksonville public libraries, i finally found and began reading

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

and Emma by Jane Austen

i also got back on the knitting. there are many, many works that have been in progress for far too long. nevertheless, i knit a few stitches - it's just like riding a bike. :) and this time, i vow that i'll do it on my own timeline, with NO pressure from anyone. it's my time to relax, breathe and just be - no one's going to turn such a peaceful, restful thing into a deadline-driven, stress inducing headache again.

i saw a few movies with my Guy...

Sherlock Holmes, Avatar, It's Complicated (in theatres)

we also watched An Inconvenient Truth at home.

there was lots of eating take-out, lots of shopping for random whosits and whatnots, and some moonstone mala beads - to aid in much needed serenity, and went to church with the fam.

Guy checked a couple of things off of the honeydo list here at my apt (how lucky am i?)

including but not limited to some window treating, pics soon...

oh, and there was also come good ole fashioned home cookin'!

i attempted to make a little of this and a little of that.

it was SO MUCH fun!

le sigh... today it's back to work & restarting school...

let the adventure begin!!

[Photos located via Google Image Search]