baby names

so it appears to me that naming a person is, like, a pretty big freaking deal.  ya know?  i mean, i picked out puppy names before... but golly gee willikers.  a person?  it's so much of how we identify with ourselves and the world around us.  it determines a lot of which jokes will be poked at you in middle school.  or at family functions.  or at work.  or at the doc's office.  i digress.

i REALLY love miss betty's name.  a little dumb for me to use such a rad name for my dog, but i love her little smunchy cute face and her terrible puppy breath and her crooked teeth and wacky einstein hair. 

okay sorry.  too much coffee maybe?  making the ADHD a bit pronounced...

anyhoodles.  i have my baby's name(s) picked out.  because i'm that kind of a chick, man.  i'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic and omg is my CLOCK TICKING...  babies.babies.babies.  huh?  okay.  right.  names.  <3

i strongly urge you not to steal THAT NAME.  (the name that i'm too afraid of jinxing.  which is why my silly self deleted it.)

i'm looking at you, MO. 

just kiddin', sis. 

but really.  i'm in LURVE with E names right now.  and apparently, so is every.one.else.  at least, those who are being blessed with offspring.

eleanor.  gorgeous.
ellie.  so sweet.
evelyn.  heart.wrenching.beauty.
evangelina.  just stop.

i can't take it anymore!  so much love...

i always thought i wanted boys.  dirty, smelly, rambunctious, loud, playful...

but the idea of braiding hair, painting nails, ruffles, flowers and bows is starting to sound... sweet.

and there i go. drifting off into dreams of the future.  so, for right now, i'm hanging on to the memories we're making now...

last night: the sound of my roommate and our neighbor clinking sangria glasses, laughing and dancing in the living room.  me, reading and working on my yoga stuff while B chews on - god only knows what that is.  calling my love, whispering some half-conscious murmurings of adoration just before i pass out on my lavender scented sheets... all these moments.  the precious few remaining moments of singledom.

explanations

i keep looking for explanations... feeling the desire to provide them - to this friend, to that parent, to myself.

and solutions - sheesh, don't even get me started.

i'll just say this: 
we each have it within ourselves. 
everything. 
galaxies full of love and life and - well... everything.


trying out some of the new blogger settings... maybe i'll change it again.  in a minute.  and again after that.  we'll just have to see.  this one helped me breathe.  just for one second, i imagined myself there, and a weight lifted.

that's all any of this is, really...  my perception, my reaction, my assessment and labeling of where i am, how i feel about it, what i think is happening...  so, for today, i think i'll try to just breathe that sigh of relief when things seem heavy, as they have lately.  i'll just close my eyes, even if only for a blink, and take myself there - to a field, sitting in the dew, embraced by a thick fog, hearing the earth yawn as she begins her day, waiting for the sun to make that first stretch and peek over...

it's funny how everything is so different in the morning. the leaves on the palms are golden. the air feels so pure. even the lake is so settled, there's not a ripple to be found...
 
 

 
futuret, the next few weeks and months of writing will be frustrating to go back and reread.  i'm gonna be working on some things here.  mostly the existential crisis that i'm sludging through... consider that your fair warning...

also, you're going to have to excuse the gratuitous overuse of ellipsis...

GOD = LOVE

your task

is not to seek

for love,

but merely to seek

and find

all the barriers

within yourself

that you

have built

against it.

- rumi

[image]

omg 8006

my guy got me us the omega 8006.

seriously?

unfreakingbelievable.

i'm.so.lucky.

happy anniversary (again) babe!

yay!

many, many juicing updates to come.  

"writing a BLOG"

don't push the river, it flows by itself.
- polish proverb



maybe it's just me, but i don't consider myself a "blogger".

i mean, i get that this is a web log.  clearly.  the host name alone won't let me forget it, eh?  but it's just funny/weird when i hear friends say "...on my/your blog". 

but at the same time, i often feel the urge to edit what i say or how i say it - simply because my words are being placed out there.  somewhere.

and then i try to remember that this is just a place for me to think out loud.  try to figure somethings out.  just a place for me to record a thought or two...  i've always been somewhat of a journal-er.  it's only ever been sporadic, just like my posting here.  i used to give myself a really hard time about it, and sometimes still do - whether it be about this place or even just my little 5-year diary.  "it's been 2 weeks since i wrote in my diary, i MUST be better about it".  but i think that for it to really be meaningful, it should be organic.  and just as in life, the thoughts and words come in spurts... an ebb and flow...  at times there seems to be so much to say, so many thoughts to think, so many quotes and moments to ponder, circumstances to digest...  and other times, there is only quiet.

the calm can be just as swollen with growth as the storm, if you listen.

i occasionally go back and read through old journals.  old web logs, too.  it's funny and silly to see my words as if for the first time.  it makes me wonder...

how i'll receive this post when i reread years from now.

and so, i am looking for my voice.  the real sounds of the thoughts that move through my skull.  i long to put all of that down somewhere - tangible.  to be revisited.  relived. 

it requires a new level of honesty.  a theme that is continually circling in my thoughts.  i feel like yoga is redefining what honesty means to me - beginning to show me things of myself that i haven't yet - seen?  acknowledged?  realized?  not sure what the right word would be here... 

i don't necessarily feel like i'm a LIAR.  i just want to be the most authentic i can be - in every possible moment.  to be present, transparent.

and yet mindful.

seems like such a contradiction sometimes, but i'd like to learn how to be so mindful that the authenticity is inevitable.

so, future ret (futuret - ha), when you read this, know that there will be times when i make a statement or express an idea that is in direct conflict with another thought i've uttered.  but it's all in an effort to grow.  a process i'm coming to see isn't linear.  not at all.  and so why should i experience this life as such?  i'm just going to go with it.  (well, i'll try to, anyway.)

random

i realized this morning that NO, my favorite grey sweater is not here or there - it's gone.  i lost it to the best weekend ever.  and i'm ok with that for a number of reasons.  a) if that's the worst thing that happens this week, meh.  2) who doesn't love shopping for a new cardi?  cardi's are the best.  that's why i have too many, and should never be allowed to purchase another.  unless something terribly unfortunate occurs, such as the loss of my fave grey one.  ha.  ;)

also, oscar, i love you.

new breakfast love:  flat out wrap w egg whites & tempeh bacon.  so friggin good & filling & hopefully will prevent the mid-morning snackage that's been more sugar than substance.  which reminds me, i am gonna give up sugar again one of these days.  i've never had a problem before, but these last 2 months have been crazy - filled with brownies and muffins and cakes - oh my!  (not to mention things i have convinced myself are healthy, thank you very much granola bars.)  friday is food day at work, so that's gonna be out the window.  i'm thinking of making gooey butter cake (sometimes known as chess bars/squares) or carrot (cup)cakes.  basically, something with cream cheese.  ya know, to keep it healthy.

i have so many topics i want to write about.  so many, in fact that none of them are happening.  go fig.

HAPPY HUMP DAY, LOVERS!

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
- oscar wilde

giving up

one of these days

i am

i really am

going to give up

granola bars.

but it ain't today!

food!

So, I've been really digging the flavors of the mediterranean lately.  I'm in love with chickpeas and tomatoes and have been indulging myself lots lately...  it's been super easy to make this marinated concoction* and just let it chill (haha) in the fridge so that when I rush in the door after my late class, hangry as all get out, I can scoop it onto a bed of spinach and nosh immediately.

*thrown together as follows:
- 2 c. garbanzos (I use from dried, but def rinse if you use canned)
- 1 large tomato, cubed
- 1 large cuke, peeled, seeded & cubed
- 1/4 red onion, diced
- 1/2 c. black olives, sliced
- juice of 1/2 lemon (or whole if not juicy)
- herbs (I used parsley, herbs de provence)

 this is my first (not-super-awesome) attempt at spinach salad.  i love spinach.  i always see spinach salads on restaurant menus with bacon vinaigrette and i want them and i can't have them.  this one was just spinach, apple, bacon, red bell pepper & a lil red onion.  second attempt was better.  see below.

lunch at native sun with gary!  <3  baked tofu w coulis was super delish.  side of minted zuke was lovely.  and the company really made the meal.  :)

yay!  BLT salad with egg whites & red onion!  so much better!  love it!  want to eat it every day!!

well, how'd this get in here??  this was my super-fantastic pre-birthday birthday cake...  my baby's momma made it for me & brought it into the office...  key lime cake.  there wasn't a piece left - we all devoured it.  (it's old news, but i really wanted to get it in here.)

my boyfriend's back!

...well, almost.

he'll be here in like 13.5 hours.

and counting.

i wonder if he's bringing the 'stash w him.

i sure hope so.

3 YEARS

thanks for the best three years of my whole life, man.

you are my rock.

i love you.

xoxo

scribbled

... on the back of some scrap paper in my purse:

i am committed

to the practice

of

LOVE.

this starts with

me.

with loving me.

the Buddha says

"You yourself,

as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection."

i do.

i deserve my love.

how is this such a novel concept?

let's all put this into practice,

shall we?

xo

4 days.

i can't wait.

p.s.  can you spot my goiter?

(a:  yes)

confession: the present

so much i happening.
and i find that i am planning for the future and "trying to get things ready".

i do this all the time.

avoid the present to live in the future:
"it is all going to work out."

i am grasping for what we will become. 
to the moment when i'll fall asleep listening to the rhythm of his breath.

i'm clinging to the past with white-knuckled-locked-tighter-than-tight-fists.
to the memory of seeing his eyes sparkle when he laughs.

i kid myself into believing that these ways of thinking make these moments
- this moment -
that we are apart... easier?

and yet, i know i am causing myself suffering.

not because i am missing him so desperately.
but because i'm robbing myself of this.moment.

and that is all i have. 
it is all any of us has.

i'm working on it, yeah?

xo

“One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering."

p.s.  still working toward getting my prereqs inline for the college deal.  ;)

siddhasana

"just as moderate diet is the most important of the yamas, and non-violence, of the niyamas, so the siddhas know that siddhasana is the most important of the asanas."  hatha yoga pradipika 1:38

finally starting the process of going back to school.  again.  this time, with a goal in mind.  :)

treehouse!

I'm really wishing that our trip to the Hostel in the Forest hadn't gotten bumped.  Trying not to be too sad about it, I'm humming this song right along today and dreaming of other treehouses... and the time of year when I wouldn't fry to death in my sleep.  :)  All things happen the way they should, eh?

Happy Labor Day!

http://www.treehousepoint.com/

I have built a treehouse
I have built a treehouse
Nobody can see us
it's a you and me house

I've been climbing rocks and stones
been collecting broken bones
I've been swimming across the lakes
just to find this perfect place
I got lost into the woods
I've been covered up in mud
I've been going through a lot
just to find this perfect spot

Daily OM - 9/1/11

You Are Who You Are, Not What You Do

Becoming Your Wrong Decisions

We are not our decisions and no decision is wrong because we made the choice with the information at hand.

Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that “wrong” decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities. We rationalize our “poor” decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence—what makes you a unique entity—exists independently of your decision-making process.

There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character. Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a “bad decision” was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment. Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to understand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward.

A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.
 
Today's DailyOM
 
I thought this one was especially meaningful.  I then wrote a lengthy commentary and decided that sometimes, enough is enough.  I'll save all that for another day.  ;)